A Moment In Time

Continued from First Contact…

It was certainly an interesting introduction, but also quite fitting, presenting a quick snapshot of what life would be like with such an energetic little person running around in it. We were a little taken aback at first, having the child running screaming from us wasn’t exactly what we expected to encounter, but we were assured it was simply excitement. Flash had been in this house almost 2 years, the prospect of something and someone new was an overwhelming set of emotions for someone so young to comprehend, you couldn’t really blame him for not knowing how to process it.

As we made some light conversation we heard a rustling sound coming from the garage, he had commenced his approach, the youth worker called out to him gently to coax him out of hiding and come say hello. He emerged from the garage, a huge cheeky grin on his face, beautiful brown eyes peering out from underneath a little mop of curly brown hair, he took a moment to survey us up and down as we said our own timid hellos. Overcoming his shyness he immediately wanted to start guessing which of our names was which, after that we were off, he took us on the the grand tour, which was heart breaking.

It wasn’t that he lived in squalor, it was more the depressing nature of the house, he had his own toy room littered with race cars and teddy bears, beautiful indicators that a child most certainly lived here. But it was as we walked towards his room that we spotted the holes in the walls and doors that we were consumed with the gloomy nature of this existence, we later found out these were caused by extreme temper tantrums and break downs. His bedroom was a typical little boys room, messy and littered with toys and clothes, we were introduced to his teddies, Bubbaloo, Buzz & Woody from Toy Story and the different pictures that littered the room and the house. A lot of effort was placed into fostering self esteem and identity, pictures of himself at places like Movie World and parks and playgrounds were a plenty, always with an uplifting message written alongside them, so many of the pictures were always of him alone.

We would later find out about the trouble he had making friends and adequately socialising and developing relationships with his peers, his situation being so uniquely different, coupled with behavioural issues that had struggled to be contained had left him with few friends and school and a social circle that extended to his neighbours, youth workers and other children in care who he would socialize with. He didn’t have anyone that he could really call a friend.

Dinner was Pizza, as Friday night was takeout night, we sat down to eat together and could see he was nervous and inquisitive, he wanted to know what we did, where we lived, what our house was like and pretty much every question you could imagine. At the same time he was eager to please, he wanted us to like him and was doing his best to make an impression on the both of us. We finished dinner and as the clock ticked away we decided to play a game of “Trouble” together. As we played he told us, matter of factly, that we were there because we wanted him to live with us, we told him that we were, if he wanted to and when he was ready.
“That would be really cool” was his reply, we could tell he was trying to maintain his composure as his excitement built and truth be told we were trying to maintain ours.

Trouble, our first game together

I’ve never had 2 hours go past so quickly in my life, before we knew it we were being told that it was time to go, but as a parting idea we had been encouraged to take a picture together. Standing together with Flash in between us we got to capture our first visit together, we have the picture framed now and it sits proudly in our kitchen, he pointed it out yesterday when he came out for Breakfast and stated (as he routinely does),
“I remember when that picture was taken”
I reminded him that it will be 2 years exactly in a couple of days since it was taken, he yelled,
“It’s our anniversary!” and took off through the house giggling to himself.

As we left we were given huge hugs and goodbyes, we promised that we would return as soon as we could, this was the start of the journey for all 3 of us and it had set all our hearts racing.

As the door closed behind us and we walked towards the car we heard an audible squeal of excitement and laughter coming from within the house as a certain someone struggled to contain his excitement. We drove down the road and pulled over at the park and got out.
We looked at each other and he simply turned to me and said

“I don’t think I’ve ever believed in love at first sight, until today”

“I couldn’t agree more”

A Little Bit of Laughter

After recovering from a hectic Christmas and New Years with our little man and our large extended family I’m still working on putting together our next blog piece.

But in the meantime I found this little gem on a wonderful little Facebook “Dad Squared”

http://www.facebook.com/pages/DADsquared/171102599661333?fref=ts

It’s one of those little things that makes me laugh for so many reasons, but mainly because I hope that one day if our little man faces any kind of adversity from growing up with Two Dads, this is the sort of good humour and confidence he will be able to use to in those situations

Happy New Years Everyone! – Next Post, coming soon… xx

Preparation and Planning

It’s very humbling the feedback we get from this blog and the number of people that are reading! I’ve been asked many times lately when the next instalment is coming, but between working and parenting the time to unwind and write is sometimes hard to find!

It’s been a rather reflective (and trying) time over the last few weeks as we watch our little man grow and develop both physically and mentally, he reaches milestones in his progress with us that make us smile with pride, whilst at the same time we often watch progress slip away as past behaviours arise again and we commence an uphill battle to help him get back on track. It really seems hard to believe that we’re approaching our 2nd Christmas together already (and starting on amazing plans for our 3rd too!).

Sitting in the living room I look up and catch a flash of him stalking down the hallway, he has a set of glasses on (his 3D set from the movies), a random hat, a bag swung across his back and a variety of toys clipped, tied and stuck to him as he creeps forward. I look at him quizzically.
“Shhh Dad” He says.
“I’m a detective.”
Of course he is.

This is nothing unusual in his day to day play time, but one of those small milestones in his development, he no longer craves the constant attention of adults to play with him and occupy him, he is confident and happy to set about his own activities, create his own games and work with his imagination. 12 months ago this kind of behaviour was much rarer, to see him calm, passive and willing to play and explore on his own was a rarity and if enough attention was not coming his way we were welcomed to some interesting behaviour, which is where our training came in.

When we left off our next step in preparation for becoming carers was our training. An interesting place to be.
Training foster carers is an important and almost impossible task. Not because you cant train them, but because the training is about preparing you for what is ahead and when you are caring for a child in care, nothing is ever predictable and you can never be prepared for any and everything that may come your way.
To put it in perspective, it’s like preparing for a cyclone, you know all the standard behaviours of a cyclone, wind, rain, hail, damage etc, but you can never predict where and how these things will manifest when it hits, the same could be said for a child in care, they can train you for as many possibilities, but you can never know when or how these things may eventuate.

Unfortunately when training came around we had to take it in turns attending the sessions and weren’t always able to make it as a pair, which could have been all the more daunting, but for the lovely ladies who were there to train and guide us along the way. One in particular is a shining beacon of light in this journey, a lady who has worked with us since day 1 and still continues to work with and support us now. You speak to her and hear her stories, the things she says and the work that she does and you know that she has seen the worst and dealt with people and situations that any other person could never dare to think we could handle.

Yet still she smiles, she exudes a love, a light and confidence that make us grateful not only for her help and guidance in our own situation but for the joy and hope you know she has brought in to the lives of countless children in care. She and countless others are the backbone of this system and the words she imparts have been the greatest gift we have received, without her this journey would be all the more harder, it is this support that is provided to Foster carers that is invaluable.

Her training sessions were lively and full of the support we needed, whilst also full of the usual situations that sometimes copped the drier side of my humour, but ultimately they are tough and confronting, they prepare you for situations you will face and some situations you won’t and certainly hope not too. We also learnt some harsh realities about the process which we had to face, such as;

• You may not know the complete background of the child in your care, sometimes it is not entirely known and sometimes it is for your benefit to not have full disclosure. Something we struggled with.
• The biological parents of the child in your care will in most cases know your home address, it is their right as the parents to know where their child is. We struggled very hard with this, but our trainers were supportive in explaining the intricacies of this process and how we and the child in our care were protected.
• All children in care have suffered some form of trauma, this can vary and cannot always be known or disclosed, this was the crux of the training, preparing us for how these differing forms of trauma could manifest themselves.

These might seem like some small points, but when you are preparing to take a child in to your care, you want to know everything you can, knowledge becomes this essential thing which you crave, you want to know so you can do everything you can to best care for this child to the best of your ability.
Knowing and understanding that the parents will know where you live was one of the hardest, it tapped into this fear that starts echoing in your head, all the little “what ifs” that you could think that may happen, you can see little cracks appearing in the plans you’ve started to lay for the sort of happy household you’ve planned for this child, but again the trainers and their words put us at ease and true to form, we are well over a year down the track and everything they say has rung true.

When I say those words ring true, this was in many regards, not only have we been safe and supported and seen our little man grow from strength to strength, but we’ve seen some of those not so pleasant behaviours, they were tough, but they passed and we’re all still here!

I remember in our first 3 months, which were some of the most trying, it was a daily occurrence for weeks on end that he would up and run away, not because we were awful people, but for some of the most simple tasks, most commonly brushing his teeth, having a shower or eating his breakfast. Being taken from his normal routine was such a big thing for him, living in a situation where he had so much routine, to introduce new routines and expectations brought out so much anxiety, fear and trepidation in him that quite often his natural instinct was to run. So off he would go, you turn your back for 3 seconds and he was down the stairs, on his bike, on his scooter or on foot, trotting out of the house as fast as his little legs would take him.
Those first few times, the fear was consuming, out we would run, down the road to chase him and bring him back, until after a week or so of this tiresome exercise, we would walk out on to the verandah, calmly wave goodbye and tell him,
“We’re not chasing you mate, we’ll wait here til you come back, we love you and we want you here, so you have to come back” (or something to that effect) and then watching from a shielded postion inside we would see him only go so far as he could still see the house, plonk himself down on the grass and watch the house to see if we would come for him, it never lasted more than five minutes before he would up and bring himself back, head down, tail between his legs, ready to brush his teeth and get ready for the day ahead.

Theres more of those stories to come, but again we must leave you until our next update where we get to let you in on the story of meeting our little man for the first time, something we will never forget. But in the meantime between now and then we had begun our planning and purchasing for our little mans “room to be”, I’ve included a little snapshot, I still look at it and smile.

More to come..

How to make the unpredictable, predictable.

There’s a hilarious new blog going around at the moment that gives you a fantastic insight in to what it’s like to prepare to have a baby, it’s funny because we can all relate to it, particularly those who have had a baby, but when it comes to being a foster carer, there’s no funny blog, no manual and no knowledge of what is going to come next, it’s an awesome hit and miss guessing game.

We left off last at our meeting with our foster agency, where we were welcome with open arms and invited to proceed further in to the world of becoming carers. We were given a fairly honest insight into what was to be expected, behavioural problems, agression, emotional and developmental issues, all could be prevalent in any child in care, you just wouldn’t always know, until the problems arise. Nothing we thought we couldn’t handle, all in a days hard work hey!?

Glittering in amongst the sea of tumultuous information presented to us was the words from one of the case managers;

“I dont want to rush anything at you, but I think we might just have a child that would be perfect for you”.

You might what? I thought, you cant be serious? Already? But yes, already was very much the situation, after a string of failed placements with heterosexual couples a certain young man was struggling to co-habitate with women, so perhaps, the theory was, that a placement with us could be just the place to see him feel safe and comfortable. But first, paperwork! There’s always time for more paperwork!

We reconvened with the agency to discuss the fact that we were still interested a week or so later and yes, you guessed it, we had to continue with further paperwork. We were very lucky to work with some very well humoured case managers, because with our sense of humour we could have found some unfunny faces staring back at us. One of the most important things that needed completion was a house inspection and “interview” with both of us individually and together, totalling about 5 or 6 hours. A date was set for our home inspection on the 27th of January. Great we thought, until we realised it was the day after our annual Australia Day party…

Flash forward to 5am on the 27th and two very anxious gay men were becoming the epitome of a stereotype my mother has longed for me to become, “The Clean Gay”. in 6 hours we had cleaned, cleared, swept, mopped, polished and turned that place into a pristine palace of perfection, you would never have guessed a party had taken place just hours earlier.
Nonetheless as our interrogators arrived we apologised for the non existent mess profusely.

“Relax” One said
“It’s ok” Said the other
“You’re allowed to be real people, we dont expect you to be perfect”
That last line couldn’t have rung truer, looking back now this journey has been less than perfect, so it’s nice to remember the expectations were never raised too high to start with.

We settled in for the interrogation of our lives, literally an unpacking of everything in our lives, from our childhoods, to our siblings, our most defining, challenging and depressing moments in our lives, exposing ourselves to people who were somewhat strangers to us was somewhat daunting but also a beautifully reflective exercise. We were frank and honest, no-ones life is ever perfect, so we omitted nothing.

Moving forward we had our household study, with some beautiful questions, which just required the right amount of humour to push through what was edging in to the 5th hour of chit chat.

“Where do you keep sharp knives in the house” She said
“On the floor” I said
“I like to keep them accessible for the toddlers when they visit”
I thought I was funny, my dearest partner looked mortified.

Thankfully, ill humour aside, the household study was passed and we progressed further towards our placement, enter phase 3, the training. Again I dont want to put everything in one post and some of this technical stuff can get so boring! But I like to keep you all coming back for more, so I’ll leave the next stage of our story for my next post. But again I thought a little flash forward to now was much needed.

Pride is something that our little man has come to have very strongly, not only does he seek to make us proud he is very very proud of his family, meaning his dads and his sister and by sister, I mean our canine 4th member of the family. He will often seek to point out or correct people when they make incorrect assumptions about us, most notably when we were recently holidaying overseas.
Whilst standing in a busy foreign supermarket the check out lady looked the 3 of us over and asked him very politely;
“Are these your brothers?”
He looked at her like she was some kind of alien.
“No” he proclaimed at the top of his lungs
“These are my two dads”
The lady looked dumbfounded momentarily, then smiled nicely and packed our bags.
He was just smiling with a certain kind of pride in the situation I think only he truly understands.

The little one dresses himself well

An Introduction of Sorts

When I was a teenager I read this really great series of books, a sci-fi series about an alien invasion, funnily enough the same series our son is now reading, the characters in the books were telling their stories but having to keep their identities a secret so they weren’t discovered, which is kind of the premise of this blog, a way to share our story, while keeping our identities protected, but sadly, no aliens.

Now I feel like I’ve set the tone for some great adventure novel, a gripping and dangerous story! Forgive me if I’ve led you astray, I think our story is worth telling and hopefully you stay with us to read it through, our story is simple, it’s about about our little family, made up of just two ordinary dads and our (highly opinionated) son.

It’s a common question when we introduce James as our son to people “Oh, that’s lovely! So when did you adopt him?” and from there a dismissive response that doesn’t articulate the situation is often easiest to provide, but often we find ourselves telling the story of how we came to become foster carers and in turn a family, a situation that has arisen with large similarities to adoption, but also vast differences. We hope by telling this side to our story that perhaps more people will become motivated to become foster carers as well.

There are some things you will always remember clear as day for many years to come and the day we decided to become foster carers was one of them. Lacking in the natural beauty you may be expecting to come of this situation we were actually driving home from the movies on a Saturday afternoon chatting about our future, after a relationship heading towards the pointy end of a decade and an engagement just shy of 12 months old, the talk of children and the rest of our lives together was the topic of this trip. Given the lovely state we reside in within Australia, adopting a child for heterosexual couples is a logistical and expensive nightmare at the best of times and a legal impossibility for a gay couple, so our discussion moved to surrogacy and those options presented to us. By no stretch of the truth many of our very wonderful close friends had offered their services to us in aid of helping us to bring a child in to this world over the years and we began to talk about these people and those options. We quite honestly couldn’t find a situation we were equally comfortable with. Amongst that discussion was the morality of bringing a child in to the world when we have the opportunity to provide for a child who is already in need, an interesting point that led us in an alternate direction. After a lengthy discussion as to whether we could actually legally be foster carers we simply turned to the wisest person in the car and asked Google. Falling short of a detailed accurate answer he was able to provide us with the phone number for the governments foster care department, which we called on the spot and left a message to be returned at a later date.

Some days later I was surprised with a call from the department who completed a simple 20 minute phone interview on our motivations to become carers, after our interview she forwarded our details to their register of foster care agencies and within a few weeks a flyer had arrived in the mail inviting us to attend an information evening. With some trepidation we arrived and were welcomed with open arms and discovered some great information regarding becoming carers, most notably that being gay was NOT an issue, our professional and personal life skills were of more interest and with our background in health and education we were regarded as primary candidates for becoming carers. Most surprising of all was that anyone can quality as a foster carer, you can be:

• Single
• Defacto
• Married
• Gay
• Unemployed
• Full Time Employed
• Carers can care for children Full Time, Part Time or even act as respite carers (every 2nd weekend etc)

The criteria was only around your skills and ability to care for a child who had experienced trauma, which nearly all children in care have. We found there was extensive training provided (nearly 9 months of training, interviews and assessments took place!), personnel support, financial support and even emotional support to ourselves as carers and the children in our care.

What we really took from a lot of that training was the knowledge and understanding that most children in care, will return to the care of their families and loved ones at some point, whether this be a matter of weeks from entering your care or even up to 2 years, but the process is always focussed on reunification with the families, making your role as a carer absolutely vital in helping to re-establish positive relationships between the children and their families. We learned that nearly 70% of children will return to home, while just 30% will remain in long term care until they come of age.

What was funny was this training and information prepared us to realistically understand that you don’t become a foster carer because you want to have a child of your own, you do it so that you can help to have a positive influence in a young person’s life. They prepare you to understand that this is not “your child”, but you are there to love them and care for them as your own.

It’s funny because we weren’t to know that we would in fact end up in that 30% and end up bringing a child in to our home who would not return to live anywhere else, we would actually end up as a family.

I want to go in to greater detail, but I dont want to tell everything in one post and make things too lengthy, but I want to continue to tell our story and let people know just how beautiful and incredibly difficult this can be. We’ve had so many highs and lows I look forward to sharing them with you all.

For now perhaps I can share with you a snapshot of our life as it stands. I’m sitting here writing his as our son sleeps in his room, he’s been reading Harry Potter for most of the afternoon since we got home and has finally tired and fallen asleep. We’ve come back from a lunch for my nephews birthday where he has been playing and running around with the rest of our family who accept him as one of our own. He loves playing in the backyard at home, which he didn’t get to today, he’ll spend hours in the sandpit digging and shovelling and calling out “Dad! Daddy!” and dragging us out to show us something he dug up. Keeping him company in the yard is our family dog, with whom he has developed a unique bond, as he plays she stands guard, sitting in the sand pit or patrolling the fence line.

He chose some time ago to stop calling us by our names and instead chose to select us each one as “Dad” and the other as “Daddy”, something he indignantly corrects us on if one responds to the incorrect title “No (he pouts), I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to DAD, you’re DADDY!”. He attends school as normal, but he struggles with his work, in the afternoons we spend lots of time working with him on his handwriting, spelling and his maths, all of which he struggles with (the metaphor of “herding cats” is most appropriate). After a life of inconsistent care he has fallen behind and we work hard to help him catch up. He’s no angel and like all children gets in his fair share of trouble. He is cheeky, adorable and knows how to get his own way with anyone! But he is loved and for the first time in his life is really beginning to feel and understand it. He has become our son and we live together, as a family.

I hope to keep this up to date and continue writing, the journey to get where we are now has been so long, I could write for weeks and weeks on end. I hope you’ll stay with us and come back to read more.